I have just completed a 20-minute exercise routine - my first since October. This is a measure of how deep my depression has been, but also a sign that I am pulling myself out of it at last. I've never gone this long without any exercise before, and it has felt truly awful to be so out of shape, but until today I just have not been able to make myself do it.
Suddenly this afternoon, I was ready.
The black lining to my silver cloud appeared at the end of the video when the woman said, "You have just did the whole routine, now doesn't that feel good?!" Oh, the pain!
~Cheers
1/30/09
Silliness
Okay, THIS is how sentimental I am - it's pretty bad.
I have a miniature pack of cards that I received - perhaps from Santa? - when I was 7 years old. I took it along when we went on the ship to the Netherlands the first time. I was playing with N with it the other night and she asked why there was a very old, ratty American flag sticker stuck inside the box that I always insist on keeping in the box with the cards. It's ancient and a bit torn and she finds it annoying that I won't let anyone throw it away or at least keep it somewhere else.
Because: Granddad gave me a set of those stickers to take with me on the ship (and put one in my autograph book when he wrote in it) and I stuck some in the box of cards, for some reason. So that one has always been in the box, traveled to Holland with me and back twice, and it belongs there. Now N understands completely and thinks it's cool.
Now that I've explained it, I think it's a little cracked. I mean, it's just an old sticker, and they still make them just like that one. But somehow I can't bring myself to get rid of it. ;-)
I need to start making time every day to edit my novel! I was going to start last week and I had too much going on. It's a lot easier with an external deadline like nanowrimo. I'd better head over to nanoedmo and see when that starts and if they've got any hints for me.
Today I'm going to N's school to do a little presentation on Chinese New Year, assuming they don't end school early because of yet more snow . . .
~Cheers
I have a miniature pack of cards that I received - perhaps from Santa? - when I was 7 years old. I took it along when we went on the ship to the Netherlands the first time. I was playing with N with it the other night and she asked why there was a very old, ratty American flag sticker stuck inside the box that I always insist on keeping in the box with the cards. It's ancient and a bit torn and she finds it annoying that I won't let anyone throw it away or at least keep it somewhere else.
Because: Granddad gave me a set of those stickers to take with me on the ship (and put one in my autograph book when he wrote in it) and I stuck some in the box of cards, for some reason. So that one has always been in the box, traveled to Holland with me and back twice, and it belongs there. Now N understands completely and thinks it's cool.
Now that I've explained it, I think it's a little cracked. I mean, it's just an old sticker, and they still make them just like that one. But somehow I can't bring myself to get rid of it. ;-)
I need to start making time every day to edit my novel! I was going to start last week and I had too much going on. It's a lot easier with an external deadline like nanowrimo. I'd better head over to nanoedmo and see when that starts and if they've got any hints for me.
Today I'm going to N's school to do a little presentation on Chinese New Year, assuming they don't end school early because of yet more snow . . .
~Cheers
1/17/09
Now it really feels like the year is starting up
Right after New Year's, Z & C left for college, N went back to school and R started back to work. I, however, was left in limbo, since our classes don't start up again till the 20th. I'd sort of been looking forward to the peace and quiet, and it was nice to have quiet mornings in which to prepare for the upcoming semester. I had several enjoyable and productive coffee-shop meetings with my Learning Community colleague, read some books, and avoided cleaning the house (for the most part). Doodled around on the computer. Had some loooong naps.
In short, I took a vacation.
I'm a little disappointed that I did not visit the gym or do any of the housekeeping tasks I'd planned. Then again, I ended up with a fair (unfair) number of migraines. :-(
Friday I spent all day in meetings and workshops on campus, and they were productive and morale-boosting. I am now almost ready for school to start on Tuesday, and looking forward to it. The Learning Community is really going to be fun; I hope I have good students this semester.
Of all the books I've read over break, the one I enjoyed was Mistress of the Art of Death by Ariana Franklin. It's the first in a series (hurray!) about a twelfth-century Jewish physician/detective from Salerno who travels to Great Britain to solve a case for which all the Jews of Canterbury have been blamed. Franklin has written it very well, and I found it such a good book that I ordered a second copy from paperbackswap so that I have TWO to send to people (one is for a cousin who is facing surgery soon, the other can circulate). Then I put myself on pbs's waiting list for the next two in the series!
I'm not handling the winter too well right now. It has been bitter cold the last four days (single digit temps with wind-chill bringing it well below zero), and what I assume is arthritis is making my knees sore and keeping my hands from performing properly. Yesterday at the workshop, which was (of course) entirely indoors, I had to ask a friend to open my bottled water for me, as my fingers just were not strong enough. Made me feel pretty decrepit, I can tell you.
I'm also having trouble with the lack of sunlight and amount of greyness. I notice that I very easily become weepy and depressed on cold, grey days, and am looking for strategies to manage - another reason I'm looking forward to the start of the semester, when I have more interaction with people outside the house.
Okay, I still need to make a passel o' phone calls (to tell students our classroom's been moved all the way across campus - I don't want them trekking across campus in this weather) and then write a long, informative welcome email to my online class, many of whom are beginning to log in already.
ARGH! N has her friend from across the street (one of the "Herdmans") over. Driving me crazy.
Must - be - charitable - must - not - snap -
~Cheers
In short, I took a vacation.
I'm a little disappointed that I did not visit the gym or do any of the housekeeping tasks I'd planned. Then again, I ended up with a fair (unfair) number of migraines. :-(
Friday I spent all day in meetings and workshops on campus, and they were productive and morale-boosting. I am now almost ready for school to start on Tuesday, and looking forward to it. The Learning Community is really going to be fun; I hope I have good students this semester.
Of all the books I've read over break, the one I enjoyed was Mistress of the Art of Death by Ariana Franklin. It's the first in a series (hurray!) about a twelfth-century Jewish physician/detective from Salerno who travels to Great Britain to solve a case for which all the Jews of Canterbury have been blamed. Franklin has written it very well, and I found it such a good book that I ordered a second copy from paperbackswap so that I have TWO to send to people (one is for a cousin who is facing surgery soon, the other can circulate). Then I put myself on pbs's waiting list for the next two in the series!
I'm not handling the winter too well right now. It has been bitter cold the last four days (single digit temps with wind-chill bringing it well below zero), and what I assume is arthritis is making my knees sore and keeping my hands from performing properly. Yesterday at the workshop, which was (of course) entirely indoors, I had to ask a friend to open my bottled water for me, as my fingers just were not strong enough. Made me feel pretty decrepit, I can tell you.
I'm also having trouble with the lack of sunlight and amount of greyness. I notice that I very easily become weepy and depressed on cold, grey days, and am looking for strategies to manage - another reason I'm looking forward to the start of the semester, when I have more interaction with people outside the house.
Okay, I still need to make a passel o' phone calls (to tell students our classroom's been moved all the way across campus - I don't want them trekking across campus in this weather) and then write a long, informative welcome email to my online class, many of whom are beginning to log in already.
ARGH! N has her friend from across the street (one of the "Herdmans") over. Driving me crazy.
Must - be - charitable - must - not - snap -
~Cheers
12/28/08
Post-Christmas Blues
It's too bad that N does not have school tomorrow (Monday). She's got the post-Christmas blues, when none of the presents she got for Christmas is quite the thing she wants to play with, and she doesn't really want to play outside, but she doesn't really want to play inside either, and nothing anyone suggests sounds like any fun.
R's got a similar problem, which is that he's spent the past five weeks agonizing about it being the holiday season (a time of great angst and depression for him), and now that it's over he's left with nothing to agonize about so he doesn't know what to do with himself. But he's going back to work tomorrow for one day, which will be just about right for him, I think. Enough to get his jitters out and then come home again for some more vacation. ;-)
As for me - well, we had two days' worth of very pleasant visits from friends & relations, and now today I am enjoying just not doing much of anything. Which Z & C enjoy as well. But "not doing much of anything" is absolute torture for R & N. Which is why they're feeling antsy.
I am currently sitting in my favorite chair, wearing my new slippers, listening to my new iPod nano, and inhaling the fumes from my new Himalayan salt candle-holder. All of which would be just a little more peaceful if R were not irritated with me for not wanting to go walking in the rain with him, and if N were not ringing the doorbell (the door is unlocked, so this is entirely unnecessary) to complain to me that it is raining.
I am ignoring them both.
The question of when to take down the Christmas tree is what I am currently pondering. I think I'd like to take it down some time in the next couple of days - before C & Z go back to school. If I wait till they leave, it will be sad when I do it, plus I won't have their help.
So it would seem to be a no-brainer, wouldn't it?
~Cheers
R's got a similar problem, which is that he's spent the past five weeks agonizing about it being the holiday season (a time of great angst and depression for him), and now that it's over he's left with nothing to agonize about so he doesn't know what to do with himself. But he's going back to work tomorrow for one day, which will be just about right for him, I think. Enough to get his jitters out and then come home again for some more vacation. ;-)
As for me - well, we had two days' worth of very pleasant visits from friends & relations, and now today I am enjoying just not doing much of anything. Which Z & C enjoy as well. But "not doing much of anything" is absolute torture for R & N. Which is why they're feeling antsy.
I am currently sitting in my favorite chair, wearing my new slippers, listening to my new iPod nano, and inhaling the fumes from my new Himalayan salt candle-holder. All of which would be just a little more peaceful if R were not irritated with me for not wanting to go walking in the rain with him, and if N were not ringing the doorbell (the door is unlocked, so this is entirely unnecessary) to complain to me that it is raining.
I am ignoring them both.
The question of when to take down the Christmas tree is what I am currently pondering. I think I'd like to take it down some time in the next couple of days - before C & Z go back to school. If I wait till they leave, it will be sad when I do it, plus I won't have their help.
So it would seem to be a no-brainer, wouldn't it?
~Cheers
12/21/08
Chappy Chanukkah!
So it's the first night of Hanukkah, also Yule and Solstice and, coincidentally, four days till Christmas. And around my house we're pretty laid-back about it all. Which is nice.
I spent a good chunk of today getting the holiday cards written and addressed, except for a few for which I still need addresses. I scrounged up enough stamps and return-address labels so that they can even be mailed tomorrow - I think this is the first time in many years that they've gone out this early (i.e. before the end of the year). Z made a few cards for special friends, from scratch, and they are lovely. C loaded a mess o' CDs onto my computer for me so that I am now listening to Kitaro as I type, yay! N played outside with friends all day, and is now sleeping the sleep of the just. And R worked on various tasks that had been calling his name. The four of us (minus N, except when she and her friends came in for refueling every so often) kept each other company cozily most of the day, and it was truly gezellig.
I've been doing a lot of soul-searching the last few days, and have discovered that there are two things greatly lacking in my life. One is people: I never - really, never! - see my friends any more. It's been six months since I last saw my two close friends here, because of busy schedules and difficult lives. And the other people I know around here are more acquaintances and colleagues than friends. I need to change that. Not sure how to go about it, yet, but this absolutely needs to change. I have good, special, dear friends in far-flung places, but I need more people about me here, where I can see and touch them. I've always been a very people-oriented person, and yet somehow I have ended up a virtual recluse.
The other thing lacking is a soundtrack. I used to play music all the time, but our stereo system is old and fading, and I need something I can take with me on the run. This is why I've asked for an iPod for Christmas/Hanukkah. It's not just a fun little techno-toy - it's something I can carry about from room to room, can go to sleep to, can listen to when out walking. (I won't wear it while driving, though, I promise.) All three of our kids have mp3 players and love them, and they were enthusiastic about my suggestion that it would enhance my life. And the kids are going in on an iPod for R for Christmas, too, and loading it with a sleeptime playlist and a brisk-walk playlist for him. They're very excited about it.
So: people and music. That's what I need more of, and that's what I hope to add more of to my life in the coming year. I know, it's too early to blog about the new year. As far as Christmas is concerned, we've already done one of the traditional holiday rituals. Yesterday we watched both of the "Batman Animated" and the "Justice League Unlimited" Christmas episodes to get us in the mood. The scene in which Superman tries to use his x-ray vision to peek at his presents, only to find that his parents have wrapped them in lead-lined paper, inspired N and C to go to our tree and start shaking the presents underneath to guess what might be in them.
"Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg . . . ."
~Cheers!
I spent a good chunk of today getting the holiday cards written and addressed, except for a few for which I still need addresses. I scrounged up enough stamps and return-address labels so that they can even be mailed tomorrow - I think this is the first time in many years that they've gone out this early (i.e. before the end of the year). Z made a few cards for special friends, from scratch, and they are lovely. C loaded a mess o' CDs onto my computer for me so that I am now listening to Kitaro as I type, yay! N played outside with friends all day, and is now sleeping the sleep of the just. And R worked on various tasks that had been calling his name. The four of us (minus N, except when she and her friends came in for refueling every so often) kept each other company cozily most of the day, and it was truly gezellig.
I've been doing a lot of soul-searching the last few days, and have discovered that there are two things greatly lacking in my life. One is people: I never - really, never! - see my friends any more. It's been six months since I last saw my two close friends here, because of busy schedules and difficult lives. And the other people I know around here are more acquaintances and colleagues than friends. I need to change that. Not sure how to go about it, yet, but this absolutely needs to change. I have good, special, dear friends in far-flung places, but I need more people about me here, where I can see and touch them. I've always been a very people-oriented person, and yet somehow I have ended up a virtual recluse.
The other thing lacking is a soundtrack. I used to play music all the time, but our stereo system is old and fading, and I need something I can take with me on the run. This is why I've asked for an iPod for Christmas/Hanukkah. It's not just a fun little techno-toy - it's something I can carry about from room to room, can go to sleep to, can listen to when out walking. (I won't wear it while driving, though, I promise.) All three of our kids have mp3 players and love them, and they were enthusiastic about my suggestion that it would enhance my life. And the kids are going in on an iPod for R for Christmas, too, and loading it with a sleeptime playlist and a brisk-walk playlist for him. They're very excited about it.
So: people and music. That's what I need more of, and that's what I hope to add more of to my life in the coming year. I know, it's too early to blog about the new year. As far as Christmas is concerned, we've already done one of the traditional holiday rituals. Yesterday we watched both of the "Batman Animated" and the "Justice League Unlimited" Christmas episodes to get us in the mood. The scene in which Superman tries to use his x-ray vision to peek at his presents, only to find that his parents have wrapped them in lead-lined paper, inspired N and C to go to our tree and start shaking the presents underneath to guess what might be in them.
"Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg . . . ."
~Cheers!
12/17/08
SEWING
I seem to have put off my Christmas sewing projects till the very, very, very squeaky-last minute. Worse than usual, but I needed to get all the grades in for my courses first (at least, this is what I told myself).
I've now finished 8/11 of the top of a quilt for my niece, and expect to complete the top in another couple of hours. Then I'll head out to Joann Fabrics to get the batting, more black thread and some black yarn for the ties (she's heavily into the Goth scene, so there is a lot of black in this quilt). Home to do the quilting.
Once hers is done, I will get back to the first quilt I started, which was for a wedding present in September (oops). It, too, has a lot of black in it, so I'll be buying PLENTY of black thread when I go out. ;-) I don't need to finish it by Christmas, but I do want to finish it during this vacation break.
And then there's a pillow I want to put together for Z, using two of her old favorite t-shirts that are too raggedy for her to wear any more. She adores them and noticed they were missing (I took them for this project before they could disintegrate any further), and will enjoy having the pillow as a "comfort object" at school.
N was happy this morning: the school district called a two-hour delay, due to icy roads. She enjoyed the extra time with Z, who hadn't really planned on getting up quite that early but was willing to play with her new XBox 360 anyway. She bought it for herself two days ago - the first thing she's ever bought herself that cost more than $20. She is enormously proud of it.
~Cheers!
I've now finished 8/11 of the top of a quilt for my niece, and expect to complete the top in another couple of hours. Then I'll head out to Joann Fabrics to get the batting, more black thread and some black yarn for the ties (she's heavily into the Goth scene, so there is a lot of black in this quilt). Home to do the quilting.
Once hers is done, I will get back to the first quilt I started, which was for a wedding present in September (oops). It, too, has a lot of black in it, so I'll be buying PLENTY of black thread when I go out. ;-) I don't need to finish it by Christmas, but I do want to finish it during this vacation break.
And then there's a pillow I want to put together for Z, using two of her old favorite t-shirts that are too raggedy for her to wear any more. She adores them and noticed they were missing (I took them for this project before they could disintegrate any further), and will enjoy having the pillow as a "comfort object" at school.
N was happy this morning: the school district called a two-hour delay, due to icy roads. She enjoyed the extra time with Z, who hadn't really planned on getting up quite that early but was willing to play with her new XBox 360 anyway. She bought it for herself two days ago - the first thing she's ever bought herself that cost more than $20. She is enormously proud of it.
~Cheers!
12/11/08
Are You Ready For The Holidays?
I threatened on Facebook today that I would slap the next person to ask me that question, and I meant it. It implies that there's some kind of competition to get everything bought and wrapped and mailed and decorated - to get all that nonsense out of the way as quickly as possible because it's such a pain in the neck.Personally, I love the baking, the choosing of presents, the wrapping and, to a far lesser extent, the decorating. (Okay, I detest the mailing and am always happy when that's out of the way.) I find the process, not the end product, to be the Whole Point. For me, "getting ready" means cleaning the house enough to make space to set up the sewing machine, and scrubbing the kitchen in preparation for baking enough poppyseed cake to take to all the neighbors.
Now I've turned in my grades and started the cleaning. Tomorrow I take out the sewing machine.
I am psyched.
~Cheers!
11/21/08
C Day!
My boy is coming home today! Peenoomonia and all. I hope he's not too miserable, but if he still is, best to be miserable at home where I can make him chicken soup and feed him his favorite types of ice cream.
[insert funny N story here]
So R took N to the grocery over the weekend, and one of the items on the list was ice cream, in anticipation of C's return. R asked N what flavor of ice cream C likes best, and N's reply was "ranch."
R, somewhat taken aback, described the basic ingredients of ranch to N, who recanted and described to R the basic ingredients she had had in mind. Which turned out to be rocky road.
Good thing we got that straightened out in time.
[back to original topic now]
C is due in at 4:40. So I am cleaning as best I can, seeing as the house is a total wreck and the vacuum cleaner begins to smell awful after five minutes' of sucking. I'm still working on the upper floor, but hope to get something done downstairs before N comes home (early dismissal today). Then N & I have some erranding to do on the way to the airport.
In amongst the cleaning, I am checking email fairly frequently, as a schism has developed in one of the ten project groups in my learning community, and I am trying to be available to monitor it in case it becomes really dire. The projects are due in by midnight tonight (on the internet). Most of the groups have worked out very well, so I suppose 10% failure rate for the first time we've tried this project isn't too bad.
I am finding that I really miss NaNo - I need to get started on another writing project soon. The updates from NaNo.org keep coming to my email box and I feel really left out and sad that I finished so soon, even though I really needed to. :-(
Then again, there are always the day to day challenges, such as this morning's when I had to figure out what that horrible, disgusting smell was that seemed to emanate from somewhere about N's person. She insisted it wasn't her, it was her backpack, and when I opened it and took a whiff - sure enough, it was! I went rooting around inside and came up with a baggie with part of an egg yolk, from Monday's snack. BLECH.
~Cheers
[insert funny N story here]
So R took N to the grocery over the weekend, and one of the items on the list was ice cream, in anticipation of C's return. R asked N what flavor of ice cream C likes best, and N's reply was "ranch."
R, somewhat taken aback, described the basic ingredients of ranch to N, who recanted and described to R the basic ingredients she had had in mind. Which turned out to be rocky road.
Good thing we got that straightened out in time.
[back to original topic now]
C is due in at 4:40. So I am cleaning as best I can, seeing as the house is a total wreck and the vacuum cleaner begins to smell awful after five minutes' of sucking. I'm still working on the upper floor, but hope to get something done downstairs before N comes home (early dismissal today). Then N & I have some erranding to do on the way to the airport.
In amongst the cleaning, I am checking email fairly frequently, as a schism has developed in one of the ten project groups in my learning community, and I am trying to be available to monitor it in case it becomes really dire. The projects are due in by midnight tonight (on the internet). Most of the groups have worked out very well, so I suppose 10% failure rate for the first time we've tried this project isn't too bad.
I am finding that I really miss NaNo - I need to get started on another writing project soon. The updates from NaNo.org keep coming to my email box and I feel really left out and sad that I finished so soon, even though I really needed to. :-(
Then again, there are always the day to day challenges, such as this morning's when I had to figure out what that horrible, disgusting smell was that seemed to emanate from somewhere about N's person. She insisted it wasn't her, it was her backpack, and when I opened it and took a whiff - sure enough, it was! I went rooting around inside and came up with a baggie with part of an egg yolk, from Monday's snack. BLECH.
~Cheers
11/18/08
NaNoWriMo Day 18: 50,292
OMG. It's done. And I feel like I cheated, because I just left Jimmy as a two year old. But I didn't know what else to do, when I discovered that there were three Jimmies (Jimmys? Jimmae?), not one, and I'd had them all mixed up all this time! And The Jimmy, the one I was writing about, was the only one I didn't know anything concrete about! So it ended up really being about Selah, George and Marshall, and family, and all sentimental mush that sounded ghastly.
And then I was still about a hundred words short, so I typed THE END and added a little postscript about how I came by the letters and journals, and what I did with them, and then thanked all the little people who got me to where I am now etc. etc. ad nauseum, as Bloody E had suggested yesterday. But that tipped me over the top and got it done.
When I tried to follow the directions for scrambling it to upload it to the NaNoWriMo verifier, it just turned everything into "aa aaaaaa a'aa" and so on, and that didn't look right. So I uploaded it normally, figuring nobody would want to steal such a piece of junky writing - same principle as not bothering to lock a rusty old jeep when you park it on the street, I guess. And I assume it verified my word count, but it doesn't say anywhere on the site that I am done, a winner, or anything like that. So I don't know if there is something more I need to do by the 30th of November or not. I've written to Aldy to ask her, and I'm sure she will know.
I have been extremely, deeply unhappy ever since my 50th birthday last April. Being in my 40s was fine, but turning 50 was just not okay. I knew before it happened that it wouldn't be okay, but I tried to prepare myself for it. Didn't help. I didn't want, and I don't want, to be that old. I didn't know why, though till last night: I had promised myself when I was in my 30s that by the time I was 40 I would 1) publish a book and 2) buy myself a banjo and learn to play it.
I didn't do either one. Of course, I did a lot of other things, and I don't regret them. But almost all of them were for other people, and I feel like a failure for not doing either of the two things I wanted to do for myself. I missed the boat and there is no way to go back and do them by that self-imposed deadline.
Don't get me wrong: I am depressed about being 50 and not having learned to play the banjo. But I WAS depressed about being 50 and having wasted a lot of time that I couldn't get back. And when Sept. came and my two big kids both left for college, and suddenly our family of five turned into a family of three, I was very, very depressed. I spent a lot of time sleeping, and just sitting quietly being sad.
So when NaNo came along, and I got really excited, it pulled me out of my depression. Instead of having three-day migraines every one or two weeks, I've had ONE one-day migraine in the past month. I've been wide awake and even had insomnia because I couldn't turn my brain off. I needed a challenge - not a frustration, but a challenge.
And now I've written a novel. And I plan to edit it. And then write another one (I already know what it will be about).
I still hate that I'm 50, and I still am sorry I haven't published anything. And I expect I'll still have days when I battle depression about that, or about my big kids being gone. But this is why NaNo was so important to me and why I felt driven to finish that damn book. And to do at least a halfway decent job on it.
Thanks for being along on the ride.
~Cheers
And then I was still about a hundred words short, so I typed THE END and added a little postscript about how I came by the letters and journals, and what I did with them, and then thanked all the little people who got me to where I am now etc. etc. ad nauseum, as Bloody E had suggested yesterday. But that tipped me over the top and got it done.
When I tried to follow the directions for scrambling it to upload it to the NaNoWriMo verifier, it just turned everything into "aa aaaaaa a'aa" and so on, and that didn't look right. So I uploaded it normally, figuring nobody would want to steal such a piece of junky writing - same principle as not bothering to lock a rusty old jeep when you park it on the street, I guess. And I assume it verified my word count, but it doesn't say anywhere on the site that I am done, a winner, or anything like that. So I don't know if there is something more I need to do by the 30th of November or not. I've written to Aldy to ask her, and I'm sure she will know.
I have been extremely, deeply unhappy ever since my 50th birthday last April. Being in my 40s was fine, but turning 50 was just not okay. I knew before it happened that it wouldn't be okay, but I tried to prepare myself for it. Didn't help. I didn't want, and I don't want, to be that old. I didn't know why, though till last night: I had promised myself when I was in my 30s that by the time I was 40 I would 1) publish a book and 2) buy myself a banjo and learn to play it.
I didn't do either one. Of course, I did a lot of other things, and I don't regret them. But almost all of them were for other people, and I feel like a failure for not doing either of the two things I wanted to do for myself. I missed the boat and there is no way to go back and do them by that self-imposed deadline.
Don't get me wrong: I am depressed about being 50 and not having learned to play the banjo. But I WAS depressed about being 50 and having wasted a lot of time that I couldn't get back. And when Sept. came and my two big kids both left for college, and suddenly our family of five turned into a family of three, I was very, very depressed. I spent a lot of time sleeping, and just sitting quietly being sad.
So when NaNo came along, and I got really excited, it pulled me out of my depression. Instead of having three-day migraines every one or two weeks, I've had ONE one-day migraine in the past month. I've been wide awake and even had insomnia because I couldn't turn my brain off. I needed a challenge - not a frustration, but a challenge.
And now I've written a novel. And I plan to edit it. And then write another one (I already know what it will be about).
I still hate that I'm 50, and I still am sorry I haven't published anything. And I expect I'll still have days when I battle depression about that, or about my big kids being gone. But this is why NaNo was so important to me and why I felt driven to finish that damn book. And to do at least a halfway decent job on it.
Thanks for being along on the ride.
~Cheers
11/17/08
NaNoWriMo Day 17: 47,007
I need about another thousand or so on Marshall and then I will start on Jimmie. I hope to finish by Wednesday - Thursday at the latest. Woot!
I met again today with two of my writing buddies, Bloody E Read and LadySoul, two LCCC students who've done NaNo before. I wish there were a way to get someone to interview them about doing NaNo - I'm so impressed with them for doing this twice in a row (I think maybe LadySoul's done it more than twice), and they are such neat people! The school ought to publicize this, because it's a big achievement and something really to be proud of. LadySoul has already gotten to 53,000+ but has set her goal at 75,000 this year! Bloody E is only at 15,000 but she did the same thing last year and wrote 25,000 in the last week, so she isn't worried about it.
It really is fun writing with other people, and it's amazing how quickly you get to feeling a bond with them for doing something crazy like this. Of course, I feel that way about everyone/anyone who is doing NaNo - there are so many of us around the world, too! - but even more so about my mother and nephew, and about the two Heathers (LadySoul and Bloody E) because of writing with them.
I also have a mentor through NaNo, Aldy, who has been very encouraging. It helps to have someone who really knows NaNo from having done it and finished. She offered to mentor total strangers, and replied when I emailed her asking for mentoring. Which is amazing and wonderful - see what NaNo brings about!
No more time for writing today, as N will be home soon and I have to teach tonight. But tomorrow will be a big day. I have no commitments tomorrow except to write, write, write!
~Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel . . .
I met again today with two of my writing buddies, Bloody E Read and LadySoul, two LCCC students who've done NaNo before. I wish there were a way to get someone to interview them about doing NaNo - I'm so impressed with them for doing this twice in a row (I think maybe LadySoul's done it more than twice), and they are such neat people! The school ought to publicize this, because it's a big achievement and something really to be proud of. LadySoul has already gotten to 53,000+ but has set her goal at 75,000 this year! Bloody E is only at 15,000 but she did the same thing last year and wrote 25,000 in the last week, so she isn't worried about it.
It really is fun writing with other people, and it's amazing how quickly you get to feeling a bond with them for doing something crazy like this. Of course, I feel that way about everyone/anyone who is doing NaNo - there are so many of us around the world, too! - but even more so about my mother and nephew, and about the two Heathers (LadySoul and Bloody E) because of writing with them.
I also have a mentor through NaNo, Aldy, who has been very encouraging. It helps to have someone who really knows NaNo from having done it and finished. She offered to mentor total strangers, and replied when I emailed her asking for mentoring. Which is amazing and wonderful - see what NaNo brings about!
No more time for writing today, as N will be home soon and I have to teach tonight. But tomorrow will be a big day. I have no commitments tomorrow except to write, write, write!
~Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel . . .
11/16/08
NaNoWriMo Day 16: 44,512
Marshall is on Corregidor, and he ain't happy about it. He wanted to go to the Front, but George (at Lavilla's begging) asked Wm. Jennings Bryan to pull some strings and have him sent somewhere where he would not see any action - and boy oh boy, there was NO action on Corregidor in WWI! Hardly any soldiers, either.
Now I have to get him addicted again; meanwhile I need to get George elected to the state house of representatives. Then get the war ended, Marshall home (an addict) and send the three Waites (with an "e") off to California. I think I will end that chapter there, but I'm not sure - I need to get up to at least 48K with Marshall, as I don't think I have more than a couple of K worth for Jimmie.
So, I'm seeing the end in sight, and this makes me want to just write, write, write. Which is annoying the living daylights out of the other members of the household. They are grumpy with me today OH YES on account of NaNoWriMo. I think they feel I should just do my 2.5 K per day and leave it at that.
And the grumpier they get, the more pressure I feel to finish it in fewer days and be done, rather than to do just a couple K of words a day and take longer.
Doesn't make sense, does it. Psi. I foresee a long night tonight as I expect more insomnia. But then I will get more writing done, and that would be a good thing.
~Not the end . . . .
Now I have to get him addicted again; meanwhile I need to get George elected to the state house of representatives. Then get the war ended, Marshall home (an addict) and send the three Waites (with an "e") off to California. I think I will end that chapter there, but I'm not sure - I need to get up to at least 48K with Marshall, as I don't think I have more than a couple of K worth for Jimmie.
So, I'm seeing the end in sight, and this makes me want to just write, write, write. Which is annoying the living daylights out of the other members of the household. They are grumpy with me today OH YES on account of NaNoWriMo. I think they feel I should just do my 2.5 K per day and leave it at that.
And the grumpier they get, the more pressure I feel to finish it in fewer days and be done, rather than to do just a couple K of words a day and take longer.
Doesn't make sense, does it. Psi. I foresee a long night tonight as I expect more insomnia. But then I will get more writing done, and that would be a good thing.
~Not the end . . . .
11/15/08
NaNoWriMo Day 15: 37,619
I feel better now that Marshall has 1) graduated from high school with a cocaine habit and 2) gotten his job in Haskell's Barber Shop. He really DID get hooked while still in high school, I found out, and he also had a stint learning to be a barber, so I worked these in.
Today I tried two different things. One, I worked at home while R and N were in the same room with me. I had made them promise that they would not distract me, and they were pretty good about it. I also made them promise to tell me to keep writing, which N delighted in doing. ;-)
Two, I used Write Or Die. I put in "500 words" and "30 minutes" each time, wrote till I had 500 words (took about 15 mins. each time) and then stopped, copied my writing to the main text, and took a break. Did it till I had 2500 words, and then stopped. The great thing about it was I first showed it to R & N, and then when I was interrupted (exactly once each session by one or tother of them, the music went off and reminded them of what they'd done, so then they didn't interrupt again.
And I was even able to continue writing through them talking to me, which amazes me. So I truly have learned to compartmentalize. What I did was plan out each 500-word segment ahead of time - not the exact words, but the topic I was going to address (Marshall's graduating with a drug habit and how that came about, for example). If I didn't finish it, which I often didn't, then I'd continue it on in the next segment. But having the plan in mind meant I could keep working on it and just let the words come out even with someone talking to me, and even follow what was being said to me, which I never realized I was capable of. Split personality, much?
I think I may continue this after a break, since N is sitting here watching Cirque du Soleil DVDs and R is doing origami, both keeping me company. If they're not minding my writing up a storm, and the writing is flowing, then I might as well keep it up. It would be fabulous if I could get done before C got home on the 21st, so I could devote more time to him. (Also, I'm getting a bunch of papers to grade on Monday, which I should get graded by next Monday . . . I swore I would not let this interfere with work.)
Interestingly, No Plot? No Problem is right on target with its (Chris Baty's) advice about weeks. This is the beginning of Week Three, so I read the Week Three advice last night, and one of the things it suggested was to do precisely what I did today: write in 500-word spurts. I hadn't planned to do that until I saw it was raining buckets today and N and R were both feeling kind of down, and I thought gee, I really don't want to go off for two hours and leave them alone here, so maybe this is a way to stay home with them and keep them from feeling so sad. It worked on a number of different levels.
Good book. Good advice. And I am loving NaNo and I plan to do it again next year for sure!
~Cheers
Today I tried two different things. One, I worked at home while R and N were in the same room with me. I had made them promise that they would not distract me, and they were pretty good about it. I also made them promise to tell me to keep writing, which N delighted in doing. ;-)
Two, I used Write Or Die. I put in "500 words" and "30 minutes" each time, wrote till I had 500 words (took about 15 mins. each time) and then stopped, copied my writing to the main text, and took a break. Did it till I had 2500 words, and then stopped. The great thing about it was I first showed it to R & N, and then when I was interrupted (exactly once each session by one or tother of them, the music went off and reminded them of what they'd done, so then they didn't interrupt again.
And I was even able to continue writing through them talking to me, which amazes me. So I truly have learned to compartmentalize. What I did was plan out each 500-word segment ahead of time - not the exact words, but the topic I was going to address (Marshall's graduating with a drug habit and how that came about, for example). If I didn't finish it, which I often didn't, then I'd continue it on in the next segment. But having the plan in mind meant I could keep working on it and just let the words come out even with someone talking to me, and even follow what was being said to me, which I never realized I was capable of. Split personality, much?
I think I may continue this after a break, since N is sitting here watching Cirque du Soleil DVDs and R is doing origami, both keeping me company. If they're not minding my writing up a storm, and the writing is flowing, then I might as well keep it up. It would be fabulous if I could get done before C got home on the 21st, so I could devote more time to him. (Also, I'm getting a bunch of papers to grade on Monday, which I should get graded by next Monday . . . I swore I would not let this interfere with work.)
Interestingly, No Plot? No Problem is right on target with its (Chris Baty's) advice about weeks. This is the beginning of Week Three, so I read the Week Three advice last night, and one of the things it suggested was to do precisely what I did today: write in 500-word spurts. I hadn't planned to do that until I saw it was raining buckets today and N and R were both feeling kind of down, and I thought gee, I really don't want to go off for two hours and leave them alone here, so maybe this is a way to stay home with them and keep them from feeling so sad. It worked on a number of different levels.
Good book. Good advice. And I am loving NaNo and I plan to do it again next year for sure!
~Cheers
11/14/08
NaNoWriMo Day 14
I can't stand it any longer: I am spending today cleaning up and doing household things that have got to be done in order to keep from having total chaos in our lives. I think the mess is starting to adversely affect N too much.
I hope to have a little time left over to do some prep. for Marshall, but if I don't, it's okay. I think I need a day off now and then.
~Cheers
I hope to have a little time left over to do some prep. for Marshall, but if I don't, it's okay. I think I need a day off now and then.
~Cheers
11/13/08
Still Day 13, but now up to 35,066
and I have GOT to quit. I think I am pretty well done with George. The ending is a little rough, but I lost heart when Geo. Milligan and then Emma died.
I'm taking a poll here, folks: Please weigh in on the question, "what do you think Willliam Jennings Bryan's close friends called him?" I have him down as "good ol' Bill" in the novel, but somehow that just doesn't cut it for me. Looking at photos of him when he was younger, including one of him standing in front of the offices of The Commoner (where George worked for four years), he looks as if he had a grand sense of humor, but he just doesn't look like a Bill.
He doesn't look like a Jen, though, either. What do YOU think?
So now it's on to Marshall. Which means another trip down to my filing cabinet o' wonders to look for the few documents I have about Marshall. I'll spend some time tomorrow piecing them together and then it will be time to put myself into the right frame of mind. I may have some trouble making the transition, but I feel ahead enough now that I'm not as worried about getting there eventually.
Thanks for reading. As George would say,
~Saw my leg off
I'm taking a poll here, folks: Please weigh in on the question, "what do you think Willliam Jennings Bryan's close friends called him?" I have him down as "good ol' Bill" in the novel, but somehow that just doesn't cut it for me. Looking at photos of him when he was younger, including one of him standing in front of the offices of The Commoner (where George worked for four years), he looks as if he had a grand sense of humor, but he just doesn't look like a Bill.
He doesn't look like a Jen, though, either. What do YOU think?
So now it's on to Marshall. Which means another trip down to my filing cabinet o' wonders to look for the few documents I have about Marshall. I'll spend some time tomorrow piecing them together and then it will be time to put myself into the right frame of mind. I may have some trouble making the transition, but I feel ahead enough now that I'm not as worried about getting there eventually.
Thanks for reading. As George would say,
~Saw my leg off
NaNoWriMo Day 13: 33,547
Decisions, decisions. I've got a respectable word count now, but I don't have enough on George yet. And I'm at a good stopping place for George, but not ready to move on to Marshall. So here I am, thinking out loud about what to do next. I'd planned to work a long time today on Nano since I need to take some time off this weekend with my fambly.
So, nu?
He's just had to go home because of Selah's death (told you I'd been skipping around). I guess I should write about his time at the ISD, to bring that back in again as a theme. That's where he met Lavilla. Then they went back out to Lincoln, and he went into law. So perhaps I should leave him once he's in the legislature, since that was 1) a pretty big accomplishment for him and 2) a far cry from what he REALLY wanted to do, which was be a farmer.
I've started reading Only Generals Die in Bed to prepare myself mentally for writing about Marshall. It's pretty strong stuff.
And last night as I was having a mild bout of insomnia (thanks for staying up with me, Mom, and emailing back & forth!), I had a flash about what I want to write for next year's Nano! But first I'll have to finish and then edit this one. So yeah, I am definitely enjoying this.
~Cheers
So, nu?
He's just had to go home because of Selah's death (told you I'd been skipping around). I guess I should write about his time at the ISD, to bring that back in again as a theme. That's where he met Lavilla. Then they went back out to Lincoln, and he went into law. So perhaps I should leave him once he's in the legislature, since that was 1) a pretty big accomplishment for him and 2) a far cry from what he REALLY wanted to do, which was be a farmer.
I've started reading Only Generals Die in Bed to prepare myself mentally for writing about Marshall. It's pretty strong stuff.
And last night as I was having a mild bout of insomnia (thanks for staying up with me, Mom, and emailing back & forth!), I had a flash about what I want to write for next year's Nano! But first I'll have to finish and then edit this one. So yeah, I am definitely enjoying this.
~Cheers
11/12/08
NaNoWriMo Day 12: 29,692
Why NaNoWriMo is Environmentally Unfriendly
1) I am running a dishwasher full of pots and pans instead of washing them by hand, as I usually do (because I am too busy writing this novel - or whatever it is - to wash them myself)
2) I only take showers when I absolutely have to, so I may smell bad - but I don't have time to check (I don't really remember to check - N told me last night I needed one, so I took one): Eeeyew!
3) I keep turning my computer on after I have JUST turned it off, because I keep remembering "just ONE more thing" I wanted to add . . .
4) We are now storing all of our clean clothes in the laundry room in baskets, because although we (barely) have time to do the laundry, I do not have the time (read: want to take the time away from writing this novel - or whatever it is) to actually put any of them away in drawers and closets so everything is wrinkled and hard to find
5) You should see the house (or probably, you shouldn't) - talk about an unfriendly environment!
On the other hand, I'm having a helluva good time! And it's only for another 2 weeks . . .
~Globally warmly yours
1) I am running a dishwasher full of pots and pans instead of washing them by hand, as I usually do (because I am too busy writing this novel - or whatever it is - to wash them myself)
2) I only take showers when I absolutely have to, so I may smell bad - but I don't have time to check (I don't really remember to check - N told me last night I needed one, so I took one): Eeeyew!
3) I keep turning my computer on after I have JUST turned it off, because I keep remembering "just ONE more thing" I wanted to add . . .
4) We are now storing all of our clean clothes in the laundry room in baskets, because although we (barely) have time to do the laundry, I do not have the time (read: want to take the time away from writing this novel - or whatever it is) to actually put any of them away in drawers and closets so everything is wrinkled and hard to find
5) You should see the house (or probably, you shouldn't) - talk about an unfriendly environment!
On the other hand, I'm having a helluva good time! And it's only for another 2 weeks . . .
~Globally warmly yours
11/11/08
NaNoWriMo Day 11: 27,518
I feel almost as if I cheated today, since I took so much material directly from George's and Selah's journals and letters. I rewrote a lot of it, but some of it I just kept in their words because they wrote so beautifully.
Which has led me to wonder, how much should I keep historically correct? I've ended up changing some things for the sake of clarity, and others I've guessed at or added because we Just Don't Know. And then I go and do something so blatant as to use their own words! So is this still my original novel, or blatant plagiarism? Family history, or historical fiction? Do I want to try to whip it into shape eventually to make into something publishable, or just keep it for the family? If truly the former, then should I put quotation marks around all their words (which will read poorly)? Would it be sufficient just to acknowledge in the foreword how much of it came directly from them?
(Because some of the letters in the mss. I wrote myself! So I can't just say that all of the letters were theirs.)
Then again, if I want it just as a family history, am I skewing the facts too much and tainting family history forever by playing fast & loose with the story?
See, right now I have to not let myself think too much about stuff like this, or I will paralyze myself and not be able to keep on writing. And I NEED to Keep On Writing. So, I am spewing forth about it here in order to get it out of my system.
But helpful comments are always welcome!
By the way, speaking of writing, I came across Dr. Wicked's "Write or Die: Putting the Prod Back in Produce" and boy am I itching to try it out! So I think that tomorrow, when I am on campus waiting for my class to start, I will test it and see what I come up with. Check it out - it's quite a clever little gadget!
~Cheering lustily onwards
Which has led me to wonder, how much should I keep historically correct? I've ended up changing some things for the sake of clarity, and others I've guessed at or added because we Just Don't Know. And then I go and do something so blatant as to use their own words! So is this still my original novel, or blatant plagiarism? Family history, or historical fiction? Do I want to try to whip it into shape eventually to make into something publishable, or just keep it for the family? If truly the former, then should I put quotation marks around all their words (which will read poorly)? Would it be sufficient just to acknowledge in the foreword how much of it came directly from them?
(Because some of the letters in the mss. I wrote myself! So I can't just say that all of the letters were theirs.)
Then again, if I want it just as a family history, am I skewing the facts too much and tainting family history forever by playing fast & loose with the story?
See, right now I have to not let myself think too much about stuff like this, or I will paralyze myself and not be able to keep on writing. And I NEED to Keep On Writing. So, I am spewing forth about it here in order to get it out of my system.
But helpful comments are always welcome!
By the way, speaking of writing, I came across Dr. Wicked's "Write or Die: Putting the Prod Back in Produce" and boy am I itching to try it out! So I think that tomorrow, when I am on campus waiting for my class to start, I will test it and see what I come up with. Check it out - it's quite a clever little gadget!
~Cheering lustily onwards
11/10/08
NaNoWriMo Day 10: 25272
Writing with a Group
I spent a couple of hours today writing with two LCCC students who are doing NaNoWriMo, and that was fun. Both have completed NaNo before, so I felt real awe and inspiration working with them. We traded tips for working, and one of them showed me some free software she uses for writing (I will have to get the name of it from her again, as I've already forgotten it - I need to write things down!!!!!). When I got home, I wrote some more, and now I feel I'm over the worst of the hump and have a better handle on George.
It really helped a lot to meet with other NaNos, at the beginning of this week in particular, and get back some of the excitement and inspiration I had in the beginning of the project. We're meeting again next Monday and I'm already looking forward to it!
So: definitely, group writing is a good idea!
And now I'm at the halfway mark, though now my next goal is to be at the 2/3rds mark because then I will be ready for the next hurdle: Marshall. I'm glad I decided to do this novel this way, because each of the sections is so different in so many ways.
One of the students said there's a fourth LCCC person doing NaNo who couldn't make it to today's writing session, and she is doing her novel as a series of rants. She said it's pretty funny to read. I'll bet!
~Cheerful again!
I spent a couple of hours today writing with two LCCC students who are doing NaNoWriMo, and that was fun. Both have completed NaNo before, so I felt real awe and inspiration working with them. We traded tips for working, and one of them showed me some free software she uses for writing (I will have to get the name of it from her again, as I've already forgotten it - I need to write things down!!!!!). When I got home, I wrote some more, and now I feel I'm over the worst of the hump and have a better handle on George.
It really helped a lot to meet with other NaNos, at the beginning of this week in particular, and get back some of the excitement and inspiration I had in the beginning of the project. We're meeting again next Monday and I'm already looking forward to it!
So: definitely, group writing is a good idea!
And now I'm at the halfway mark, though now my next goal is to be at the 2/3rds mark because then I will be ready for the next hurdle: Marshall. I'm glad I decided to do this novel this way, because each of the sections is so different in so many ways.
One of the students said there's a fourth LCCC person doing NaNo who couldn't make it to today's writing session, and she is doing her novel as a series of rants. She said it's pretty funny to read. I'll bet!
~Cheerful again!
11/9/08
NaNoWriMo Day 9: 22648
The NaNoWriMo team were right: Week 2 sucks. I'd thought optimistically that it would be easier for me, since I would be switching to a different chapter and a different person (George). I had it all planned out - one chapter for Selah, one for George, one for Marshall, and end with a little coda for Jimmie.
But it's not working out that way. Selah won't leave me alone, and I can't switch over to George properly. I had expected Selah to play a small role in George's, but he's still the lead character! And I have too much material on George and his siblings for me to decide what to use! It's overwhelming me. I am feeling very frustrated and unhappy about it all. Sure, my word count looks impressive, but it feels as if I'm going nowhere fast.
I hate week 2, and it's only just begun. Plus I have a whole lot of things going on this week, unlike last week when I had a day off from school, and nothing planned on a couple of other days. Now I have a busy week ahead and very little direction in my writing.
Bleh.
Plus the house is a WRECK!!!
~Grump
But it's not working out that way. Selah won't leave me alone, and I can't switch over to George properly. I had expected Selah to play a small role in George's, but he's still the lead character! And I have too much material on George and his siblings for me to decide what to use! It's overwhelming me. I am feeling very frustrated and unhappy about it all. Sure, my word count looks impressive, but it feels as if I'm going nowhere fast.
I hate week 2, and it's only just begun. Plus I have a whole lot of things going on this week, unlike last week when I had a day off from school, and nothing planned on a couple of other days. Now I have a busy week ahead and very little direction in my writing.
Bleh.
Plus the house is a WRECK!!!
~Grump
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